When I tell people I’m a couples counsellor in Galway, I find that there are two very common reactions. Some people roll their eyes, and ask me where I was a year ago when they were going through their divorce. Others start telling me their problems, as though in those ten precious minutes I could resolve each and every one of them by spouting some sort of wisdom about relationships. Nobody ever tells me that their relationship is perfect, or that it wouldn’t benefit from some form of therapy – even if it’s already in a pretty healthy place.
We all know it takes two to tango – and it’s the two people in romantic relationship who can perform the best tango. But sometimes, even professional tango dancers have more to learn, and only an outsider can help these already accomplished dancers to improve their steps, simply by watching what is happening, and pointing out ways to improve the sense of connection, love and mutual respect that is conveyed through the dance.
Unfortunately, many a time, couples avoid asking for help with their relationship because they feel that they will be judged for this. They also often feel that they’ve failed somebody in some way – be that family members, mutual friends or the church itself. They feel that there MUST be a way to resolve the situation without ‘resorting to’ counselling, which in some way seems to admit this ‘failure.’ The only thing is, they never get around to resolving it in other ways, and the relationship continues on a downward spiral because it doesn’t receive the attention and care that it needs in order to heal.
Being stuck in a destructive, toxic or negative relationship, desperately wanting to make it better, yet not finding nor committing to any way of doing this, is a bit like being a couple of tango dancers who need to win a competition but are dreadfully out of practice. It’s like being an entrepreneur who wants to grow his business, yet never puts himself out there for fear of being judged; or somebody struggling with debt who can’t ask their wealthy parents for money, for fear of being deemed a failure in life.
Do you see the similarities?
“I’m self employed, and it’s GREAT! I’ll never go back to office work…even though times are tough as people just aren’t buying at the moment.” (aka, I’m struggling, and i can’t bear to admit it, because if I do, I may end up back in the office. Even worse, I’ll be deemed a failure)
“We’re so happy, everything is fine, really, you know how it is….it’s all a normal part of being in a relationship.” (aka, I’m sticking with the status quo as I’m terrified I may lose my partner if I admit how bad I’m feeling. Even worse, I’ll be deemed a failure)
Yes. It seems that often, being one half of a couple is very difficult indeed. There are unspoken standards to uphold, unnamed people to please, and an undefined ‘flame of passion’ to maintain constantly alight.
Couples Workshops in Galway – or not?!
So when I advertise a couples workshop, and nobody signs up…yet people are telling me about all of the problems they’re having…even making enquiries about couples workshops but never committing…then what do I do?
As a therapist committed to the Imago dialogue technique and theory that changed my life, and certainly my view on what relationships are about, I won’t be giving up!
What I have realised I CAN do, is to make changes in the way I talk about and present this work. I’ve realised that I have to adapt to what my market is saying (or not saying), which is: Workshops are scary. You say it’s not group therapy, but it sounds like it. People will overhear us. People will SEE our relationship in its barest form. Galway is small. Ireland is small. We might see people we know, or people who know people we know. We’re not coming. Though we’d like to. Because we DO need some help….
If couples workshops are scary, then i need to offer something less scary, but just as beneficial (hopefully more so….)
This is why I have come up with Day Long Intensives For Couples, which consist of a private and confidential, one day workshop with me, JUST for you and your partner. This day is not a day of couples therapy, but a day of learning about how to relate to one another in a different way, through using Imago dialogue techniques and explanations that you can then take away and use to your heart’s content.
The stories about things that happened between you are not what I focus on or need to know. I don’t care who left the dryer on all night, and who didn’t take out the bins in time for collection, or who said what to who’s mother-in-law! I’m also not interested in hearing all about who is the victim and who the culprit.
What I WILL need to know is what there is to salvage and what is and isn’t being communicated or understood, and why. I’m interested in helping you to heal the dynamic between you in order to see who you have become as a couple, and who you could become. Sometimes, this may be just good friends, but other times, it will be deeper soulmates and true partners through life – because when tackled with openness and curiosity, CONFLICT often leads to connection and healing.
When you see me as a couple for your day together, I will be receiving your relationship as my client. Not you, not him, and not her. I’ll be working with your connection and your dynamic. I hope that the moment you arrive, you are able to leave the shame and the shoulds, the musts and the mustnts imprinted on your relationship from society, parents, friends and colleagues, outside the door, in order to embrace what you DO have to work with, and not what you believe people expect you to have.
Commitment!
If you’d like to book a day intensive with me for 2016, you can contact me here.
If you’d like to attend a workshop (rest assured that no couple will be singled out or expected to tell their story to a group of other couples), then you can sign up on the Events page of my website, here. The next weekend workshop is on 12th and 13th November. I never accept more than 6 couples on a workshop for the sake of giving the appropriate time and space to each of the couples present.
If you’d like to know more about me and the way I work, please email or give me a call. I’m a trained imago relationship therapist and accredited psychotherapist. I’m passionate about the healing power of Imago dialogue after having used it not only with couples and individuals in counselling and in my own relationships, but also with prisoners in Africa, immigrants and asylum seekers in London and carers of the mentally ill. Imago is a highly adaptable, and very powerful yet simple technique that could change your life and your relationships forever. You can find out more via this website.
